The Slump

I’ve had to face myself in a few different realms of life this week, in both big and little ways:

• I’ve been chipping away at a novel-length manuscript for one year and one month, and while it’s as close to complete as it’s ever been … I’ve still got a long way to go. I’m re-writing the end of Draft#2, but got some wonderful edits on the opening section of Draft #2. So I already know I’ll need a Draft #3. … It’s a weird note to write an ending on!
  
  
• I’ve been trying to eliminate my constant, daily heartburn and I’ve cut out or reduced all kinds of things but I just can’t face it any more: When I drink matcha or tea instead of coffee, I feel better throughout the day.
  
  Inside me there is an Inner Lawyer, pleading my case at Acid Reflux Court: I‘d already reduced down to one half-caf cup of coffee a day! Ten years ago I used to drink 6-8 cups a day, but I felt fine! This wasn’t ALWAYS a problem for me!
  
  But the reality is, my issue is the ACID, not the caffeine. I don’t have the same body I had 10 years ago, and I can’t pretend I am indestructible. (I never was indestructible but I have reached a point where I can’t keep kidding myself.) I have to give up coffee, maybe not forever, but for now. Coffee is maybe too large a part of my identity and routine; I can’t help but feel its loss in my own ritual and daily routines. I like making coffee for others so my beloved De’Longhi espresso machine stays. Oh why oh why do I live near so many locations of the perfect cafe, LaColombe?!
  
  
• I’m embroidering a tote bag for a friend (I’ll share pics once the gift has been received) and after a month of steady stitching, I realized the shape isn’t even and doesn’t link up, ultimately. I have to rip out some stitches and start over on the top section. Not all the stitches have to go. Not even most!
  

Still, ripping out stitches, words, plans, habits, and foregone conclusions is HARD. It hurts.

I’ve let myself grumble in frustration at times, but I still want to keep my eye on the prize.

Yesterday I focused on making peace with my cross-stitch project. I think these ideas could translate to some other parts of my life:

• I recalled having fun listening to two audiobooks while I stitched what I had so far. I can’t un-read those books, even if I re-do the stitches.
• I delighted in the stitching at hand, and stayed in the moment. I’ll never get over my wonder that square stitches on a square grid can make curlicues or circles.
• I smiled at the stitches that would stay. I didn’t have to rip out every single one.
• I took pride in a finished product I knew I’d be *less likely* to second-guess. (I reserve the right to second-guess anything I think, do, or make for all of time forever, though.)
• I took a break to play! I went thrifting for outfits (and accessories, and a little wicker bench) for my squash-children. It was silly and weird and creative. With no stakes or competition.

• And I reflected back on a profound podcast I listened to this summer, via Hidden Brain with Shankar Vedantam. The larger theme of this episode is how we can get stuck, and un-stuck, in work or on creative projects. But the aspect I’ve been thinking about in the month of September is about how the MIDDLE of a project or process can feel the most challenging. There’s a burst of energy when a project starts. And when the finishing line is in sight, that gives a burst of adrenaline to get us to the end. But MIDDLES. They can be slumps.
  
  
  But I will say there was something comforting, and ultimately motivating, in putting this concept into words. And in knowing that I am not alone in facing slumps sometimes. Just remembering these things gives me a push. Just a little one, and just what I need.