Last Chance Before Life Change

I am 18 days away from my due date, and according to doctors my baby is head-down, getting ready for birth. We’re healthy! I’d like to tell every smug weirdo who has ever been unpleasant about my 20-year vegetarianism that my blood pressure has consistently been 120-over-80 for this pregnancy, but actually, I don’t care about smug weirdos at this point! Baby has healthy heartbeat and organ development and that is what I care about.

My family leave / bonding with bebe leave is approved. I love my job, the people, the work we all do together, so I will miss it all. I also feel confident that great folks are stepping up to keep my (our, it’s all group effort) projects going in my absence.

We have gone whole-hog on setting up our house: In the perfect metaphor, the kitchen bar is now a bottle-washing station. (We’re not even big drinkers—the bar came with the house!)

We are in this interesting phase where change is imminent and baby could come at any moment and be healthy … but baby ain’t here quite yet.

So I have been trying to stay present in this in-between time and just appreciate it for what it is. And honor things that I can do now (kind of, because moving and leaving the house are hard!) that will be off the table for that first 2 weeks of newborn lockdown, and then for who knows how long after that.

The fact that my habits and movements and priorities are about to change is fine, or more than fine, actually!

I do want to make this clear (because we want to raise a reader who will presumably be able to search online and find THIS VERY POST someday): We absolutely embrace that our lives are about to change, forever. We could not welcome it any more enthusiastically. In the last week alone I have dreamed THREE times about holding this baby, feeding this baby, admiring this baby (in my dreams this baby has a lot of beautiful dark hair so we’ll see, but bald babies are beautiful too!), rocking the baby, and on and on. Bring me my baby, I never want to let go.

It’s just that I’ve never had my own before. (I LOVE YOUR BABIES THOUGH!) I’m trying to observe what my life is now and mark it. And then welcome the new chapter.

In fact, last month I made a major life change in preparation for baby’s arrival: I sold my car. We could use that car payment money (and car insurance and gas and repair/maintenance money) in other ways as a family. To clear, we will all share one car. I’ve been calling us a One-Carseat-Family. We both have leaves coming so having two cars in the garage doesn’t make sense. And when I’m back at work, I can commute by train!

Reducing personal car use aligns with my values in other ways, but I am a sucker for a day-trip adventure. I have absolutely ingested the American fantasy of picking up the car keys and going. So right before Halloween, when I knew I’d sell my car, I took a day off for my Camry’s Last Ride.

Truth is, I had a lot to do that day: I did go for a quick doctor check-up, and then made a pilgrimage to get our preferred laundry soap in Unscented for the coming baby. (Bundling errands out is a great way to reduce car trips and essential to sharing a vehicle!)

But then I absolutely fed my heart and soul at the Delaware Art Museum. Autumn in general, and Dia De Los Muertos in particular, is gorgeous on the museum grounds:

I delighted in the Jazz Age special exhibit. Art Deco, Art Nouveau, Harlem Renaissance: BRING IT ON.

And then I noticed the Museum itself had all these 1920s details. Love. Especially when I can see the fall foliage reflected in it.

I’ve been told that ruminating during pregnancy is common. I have a tendency toward it anyway. But on my daydrip I was very aware that I established a routine when I worked just across the bridge on the NJ side of Wilmington: On days I had night meetings and worked 12 p.m. – 8 pm. (or later), I started the day at the art museum, got a drink at the cafe, and then walked Rockford Park.

Well, I was 8 months pregnant on this day so I let myself drive to Rockford Park for a significantly reduced stroll.

This weekend was quiet, and I have needed rest. I let myself read a book cover-to-cover in less than 24 hours, which is also something that likely won’t be possible for a time.

This is an essay collection about the biography of Anaïs Nin, so actually, a breeze to read.

Again with the rumination, Krizan says early on,

My observation is this: people who are attracted to Anaïs Nin’s diaries are often experiencing their own possibly violent uprootings and forced new starts.

And, YES! I read Henry and June during my tumultuous grad year in Cape Town. I read both Ladders to Fire and Children of the Albatross during that lost year and a half of my life when I had three part-time jobs, no health insurance but a tooth infection, and couldn’t afford to live independently. (I wouldn’t be 26 years old again if you paid me!) The last time I read Anaïs Nin I was 29, reading Fire, in a horrible house-share that I stayed in because I could afford it, newly single and relieved about it. And SO inspired by Nin, that I wrote this and it got published on the biggest platform I have ever had to date, I think.

That was eight years ago. I have read (and written!) a whole lot since. My life has changed in some wonderful and major ways! But something about being 18 days away from the date my baby is predicted to arrive (and OK, it’s not certain that will be the day, I know this), I finally picked up this book about Nin that I purchased in 2019. Now was the time to revisit this passionate diarist, Jungian, Freudian, sensual genius who has guided me through some weird, dark, lean times.

Phew!!

I promise I don’t only ruminate on the past. I am so excited for the future.

I have always loved Halloween and celebrated to the fullest extent I could (while being tired all the time.) Can’t wait to do this holiday with a baby, then a kid:

ALSO, I love our neighborhood. Adults go ALL OUT for Halloween and I have loved this as a child-free adult. And I want to teach this kiddo that it’s really fun to give treats to others, even though of course collecting your own treats rules.

And like, whatever this is. What a dedicated adult:

And after Halloween, Harvest. We had a cozy family Thanksgiving at an Ocean City AirBnB so everyone could cook and contribute. (We will back to hosting someday soon! And next year, with a baby who can maybe eat mashed potatoes??)

The work community garden had a nice bean harvest and I turned it into stew for our Friendsgiving gathering, a nice end to growing season:

I truly enjoy that part of my job is connecting folks to community events, like this Thanksgiving meal giveaway for seniors:

And in the month of November, two different people told me they pick up in-kind donation opportunities at Cathedral Kitchen because of me. That was my, You see, George, you’ve really had a wonderful life moment.

And beyond that … Baby stuff. All the stuff, so much stuff. The stuff, it arrives, and we try to set it up.

I have been grateful to pass along stuff for free to make room for bebe: But now what the heck do I do with all these Photos Of Things I’ve Given Away on Freecycle and Nextdoor? Bye-bye things:

^ I mean there’s more. This is what my Photos folder is like now.