Unintended, but: When I last posted, it was the beginning of the last month of my thirties.
I’ve been “joking” (not haha-funny) that since my food restrictions started, I already feel forty.
But, also, in the last year I’ve gotten used to eating low-fat, and experimented and expanded what I can have. … So much so that my cholesterol is hovering near Borderline. (More on that later.)
Middle-aged health concerns are part of my life now, not the least because I have an 18-month-old. I intend to stay active and engaged with this guy for as long as possible.
But I also want to record that I do not only have body ailments to report from Forty Years Old. I am grateful to my body for its resilience. I am grateful for many, many things.
I spent the last month of my thirties being intentional with my time. Making things. Striving for my dreams. Paying attention to what I am experiencing. Trying new things, and also, celebrating the things I have done and can do.
Here is some of what I did:
I made a Zine!
In March, I had an idea: I would celebrate my 40th birthday by soliciting work from my friends and assembling, then printing, a zine. Eleven beloveds trusted me with their work, and I made the cover and wrote an intro.
Visited 33 Little Free Libraries
The first thing I did in a months-long lead-up to this birthday was put out a second edition of a chapbook with a new cover, and an e-book option for the first time.
I am very glad I did this! It’s just that I had 33 copies of the first edition still on hand. I’m not going ask money for those copies now.
So I gave them away at Little Free Libraries.
Is there anything more delightful than a Little Free Library?
I cannot tell a lie. I brought home books from a few of the ones I visited. AND ONE HAD ZINES!!!
Finished A Draft
It took me about three weeks to finish Novel Draft #10. It’s out on submission to indie presses again.
I loved this rewrite, even when it was difficult. I can see how hard I’ve worked to make this thing good. Cross your fingers for me, that this is legible to others!
Attended A Write-In with the Rutgers-Camden MFA
It’s been 2.75 years since I began working at the Camden campus, and I have attended a number of public programs care of the MFA … online! Which are so great!
But two days before this milestone birthday, I actually toured the building and attended a lovely program, called a Write-In. This beautiful old building is open for folks to hole up and write. They provide coffee! [Both days before my birthday were three-coffee-days, my first since surgery. Not sure what this means but it is notable, to me, somehow.]
It was so special to be there. I am beyond grateful!
Movie Date for The Odyssey
WE GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE! AND SAW A MOVIE WHILE IT WAS STILL RELEVANT TO POP CULTURE DISCOURSE!
We even saw it in actual film, the 70-mm version that Christopher Nolan almost-kinda-but-not-exactly-intended.
Adventures with a Toddler
New Year’s Day Baby = a year-and-a-half on July 1 of this year. We are having FUN! We are dancing and singing whole songs, speaking in sentences, making opinions known (“Mama all done music” — well I guess I am finishing singing, thanks), playing with the hose and with bubbles and sidewalk chalk.
I am also a parent during record-breaking heat waves and wildfire smoke and powerful wind storms. Climate anxiety is with me, always. I see my job as teaching my kid ways to be resilient–not to hide from the facts, but to do what is in our power to steer toward more responsible energy use and caretaking of the planet.
And when it is unsafe to go outside, we get creative indoors. (We don’t pretend it isn’t happening or try to normalize it.)
But I have the most fun kid on earth, I am convinced. We have begun the golden era for play.
Jersey Shore Full Circle
On July 26 of this year, the weather was so clear and breezy, going down to 58-degrees, that we slept with the windows open and I woke up inspired to get outside.
I hadn’t planned on having the car that day, but when the opportunity arose, I took it. I brought kiddo to Cape May, NJ, for the lighthouse, and to splash in the ocean, and for a lunch date under an umbrella with feet in the sand.
Volunteer “Deployment” for the World Cup in Philly
This isn’t EXACTLY the bullet point on my Volunteer Bucket List, but it was deeply meaningful for me to spend a day distributing water + PB&J to first responders at the FIFA Fan Festival grounds in Lemon Hill, Philadelphia.
I did not attend any World Cup matches in person, though one venue was very close to home. But I was behind the scenes on the ground and struck by the eerie beauty of streets closed off to cars and full of fans in jerseys.
May I always remember the “miracle comeback” for Argentina in the game even I felt certain Egypt would win. I saw jerseys from both countries in the crowd.
I had a great walk through Philly to get to/from public transit. I wished Reading Terminal Market could keep this outdoor seating and screening area!
Harvested and Preserved
One of my raised beds has been completely overrun by herbs since April. Nothing I do to control it and make room for more cucumbers, works. The cilantro became coriander seed, and since that cilantro choked out everything else like a weed, we are USING THAT CORIANDER!
Hosted the Early July Beeday Gathering … Plus something special!
Epp kid engagement, HOORAY!!! I didn’t provide the mango-mimosa ingredients but it was fun to dust off our champagne glasses.
Philadelphia Art Museum
Was in town for dental x-rays (sinus inflammation can be treated at home, no surgery needed this time and PHEW!!!)
The Philly Art Museum called to me.
It was beyond perfect that I saw Van Gogh’s sunflowers curated, and then when I came home, my sunflowers were blooming.
Went for Annual Physical & Routine Blood Work
I feel pretty good most of the time these days, which is a blessing I will never take for granted again!
All in all, I got a good report. But because I’m feeling good, and keeping busy with work and family and interests, I let more processed food into my life. And, hey, experimenting with reintroducing foods means fries and pizza and bakery goods are back on the menu.
The indicators that had been so concerning a year ago, mostly around liver enzymes, look great now. Phew! But I am bummed to report my cholesterol is up.
Which also may be part of aging; it was in the Borderline-zone before I got pregnant. But after three months eating exclusively brown rice, tofu, greens, berries, and chickpea-pasta, it was the lowest it’s maybe ever been.
This whole ordeal was a total nightmare for restrictive eating recovery! There HAS to be a happy medium between weighing spinach leaves on a scale (which I hope I NEVER have to do again) and causing injury to my heart or other organs.
I love those organs, man. I want to eat and move my body in ways that show care and love. NOT disdain, or a desire for my body to be smaller, or a desire for control.
A value I am determined to live and model for my kiddo is that health is not only measured in metrics (and never in nonsense like the BMI), but also in taking pleasure in food and movement. Sharing a meal with loved ones is healthy, even if it’s pizza and fries.
And still. For the rest of my life, Postpartum Hypertension will be on my chart at the doctor’s office. I have low BP now! But that health scare was scary–like, lifelong-trauma levels of scary.
Moderation is a value in our household. I think a person should enjoy a piece of cake on their birthday (in whatever way is available to them)! But I also have a track record of taking my health for granted, and not doing things in my body’s best interest then feeling like I got away with it in my teens and twenties.
And I probably was paying for it in my twenties, too. But I certainly cannot go without sleep or regular meals or routine or downtime now.
I regret nothing. My life has changed, my priorities and daily habits have changed, my body is ever-changing. My desire is to care for myself, in ways that are enjoyable, so that I can enjoy my body and my life for many years to come.
It’s just that I don’t have the perfect blueprint for how to do this.
This riddle is something I will carry with me into this brave new decade. And every decade after that I am lucky enough to walk through.
I cannot think of a better place to end this. Happy birthday to me!
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